I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
