3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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