Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
