Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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