i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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