You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
