I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
