i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
