I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
