Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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