You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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