At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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