Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We just shotgunned beers for America
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
