birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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