so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
