Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
