not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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