I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
