Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
