i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
