I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
