All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I FOUND THE LEGS
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