he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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