I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
