Your dad touched me again.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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