ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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