hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
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