i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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