I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
