sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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