I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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