Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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