Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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