i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
