I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
