mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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