It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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