I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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