I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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