This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
try to milk me bitch
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
