I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
