3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
