Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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