I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
