Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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