i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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