Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
