That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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