what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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