I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
